I had a good Mother’s Day yesterday, I hope all you other mothers (and potential mothers)did too. That’s not what I’m going to write about though.
So, I couldn’t sleep for some reason last night and I dug out some old journals from my last trip to Russia (’95-’96) and stayed up reading them until about 3am. You know, it’s interesting to me that it doesn’t just feel like “oh, that was so long ago,” (Obviously international travel has not been a part of my third decade :() but, it almost feels like it didn’t really happen, like it was a dream or a movie or something, or like it happened to someone else and somehow I just happen to know about it. And the more time that passes the less details I remember–which, I’m sure is totally normal, but …it’s still sad. I may have been young and a bit obnoxious, but I liked who I was and I was generally happy to be me. I think that is something that has made this a difficult decade for me, because I did like who I was and then kinda outta nowhere (not that I mean there weren’t circumstances and that ‚ I just did this out of the blue and am not owning the responsibility, I know, I KNOW) I suddenly felt like I couldn’t be that person anymore and it has been a real struggle trying to become someone else that I like just as much (not that I’m there yet but I am working on it, and NOT to mean that the things in my life were better before and that I don’t LOVE and appreciate the things in my life now and during the last decade!) I simply mean (although, it is not a simple thing) that I don’t neccessarily like the way that I have felt or acted or handled situations for several years now and I am tired of being that person. I am ready to like me again. And if it means forging through some potentially uncomfortable times and situations, I think I am ready to put forth the effort. I deserve it. My family deserves it. My best years can be yet to come! BRING ON THE THIRTIES!!!
So I’m worried, what does this mean?
Kate, why would this worry you? I know you love me as I am, but I also know that you know I have room for improvement. All I’m saying is I’m wanting to improve so that people like you will benefit even more from knowing me!
I thought maybe I was part of what made you unhappy with yourself and so part of becoming happy would be ditching me lol and that made me very
!
No No No Dear Kate,
I’m just talking about internal things, attitudes etc. Even considering adjusting the sit wit da mil.
Wow, I hope no one cracks your code
! Oh, good, glad to see I’m still a permanent fixture in your future!
:wow:
Kate
Becca,
I think I know very well where you are coming from on this post. I think I would divide my life into four parts: birth to 18 (at home with Mom and Dad), college and young adult (until I married Ted), life with kids (realize that this is my 40’s and 50’s) and the one yet to come (retirement). I really like myself in the first 1/4th. Liked myself but dealt with independent living and some loneliness in the 2nd 4th. I had a couple of very close female friends and a wide circle of not so close female friends. I think I really grew and established who I am as an adult during that time. I am of the era of and attended a women’s consciousness raising group for a full year. One night a week, and I never missed. If you don’t know what kind of group that is, think of Fried Green Tomatoes. I have been very comfortable and felt that I have made an impact on the world through work, church and raising a couple of great kids. But a part of me misses that younger, freer woman of my 20’s and 30’s. Of course, there are parts of me during that time that I don’t miss at all.
Now I am looking toward the end of my work days, getting the kids into college and going back to a 2 person home. My health isn’t the best and I wonder if I will be able to do the things that are waiting. Will I be able to go to China for even six weeks to teach English? I hope so. Will we have the physical stamina to take care of an acreage? Will I live long enough to see grandchildren?
Maybe you don’t really want to share with your old aunt Linda. But this post of yours struck a cord and I think we may be kindred spirits way down deep.
Thanks for listening.
Linda
Go Linda!
Nice to see you, and I hadn’t noticed you were old!
If Becca chooses to post these reflections before all the world, she’s certainly fair game for a few of us geezers who know and love her.
(Becca’s) Dad