Josh and Becca Thrap and Family

I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling really weird this evening–doing a lot of internal processing etc. And…shopping. I had to quick run to W-M this evening to pick up Happy Feet the dvd for Cameron. I’ll probably put it in his Easter basket or something, maybe even try to hold it until his birthday if that’s possible, but it’s cheaper to buy it now when it just came out than to wait even a week. So, that was the only thing I HAD to get. My sole purpose in going to the store. So naturally, I spent about 2 hours AGONIZING over some absolutely adorable little girl Spring/Summer items for Elena and Elise (ok, mostly Elena, but I looked at stuff for all the others too.) Anyway, I’d been shopping earlier this morning with my sis-in-law and I did pretty well…managed to put back most of what I was holding before ringing it all up, but now I could NOT get over these little outfits and I don’t know why. I’d seen them before. I’ve seen cuter things. I could probably get something similar at an outlet or TJMAXX or Goodwill cheaper and then what it all boils down to inevitably anyway is do we really need it in the first place and is my buying it just going to annoy Josh? And all of this was going through my head in the store but it was balanced by the thoughts of precious could-be images of Elena in said outfits, playing, picnicing, dancing, etc. So finally I put almost everything back on the rack (again!) and started to leave, but not before stopping at the Krispy Kreme rack and grabbing a box of glazed donuts. I’d told myself as I passed them on the way into the store that if they were still there when I left I’d get them. I don’t think I’ve had a donut since October or November and its been hard, really hard. So on the way home I’m driving and thinking “If Josh is going to Cedar Rapids Saturday maybe somehow we could figure out a way to make it work out that we can all go, then I can see the Grandparents too, and the Wheelers, and…(and sadly, this is really what my mind was wrapping around) I could stop at the Williamsburg outlet mall and go to the Carter’s store to find a similar if not CUTER and CHEAPER outfit for Elena for this Summer! Eureka!” Yeah. But it still doesn’t work. So then I start thinking “What am I doing? What have I been doing?” And of course I try to talk to Josh, but I don’t have any real answers or even clear questions and he’s already stressed about a paper he has to finish tonight so he says all the wrong things (meaning not the things that I wanted him to say, not that I wanted him to say anything in particular, but just not what he was saying which is of course not his fault so I try not to blame him but I shut down further anyway because I don’t want to continue talking and hearing things I don’t want to hear). So I get home and put away my purchases (girls’ socks clearanced Rock on!) and I pour half a glass of skim milk (instead of the usual full beast tumbler that I would normally drink with donuts) because, you know, I’m watching my calorie intake! !!! And I sit down to the computer to write and as I’m writing I’m starting to feel just a bit guilty about the donuts beside me, but I justify them because I’ve only had like 600 calories so far today and my goal is to have 1500 minimum so that’s like 4 donuts and a glass of milk! Then I caved. I took my first bite of fluffy sweet soft baked goodness of the Krispy Kreme variety in literally MONTHS and you know what? It wasn’t fluffy, or soft, and even the sweet had turned to wetness which is NOT how a proper glazed donut should be. So immediately I’m like ugh, that’s sooo not worth it! But, you know, I spent like $5 on the frickin things so I try to pick out a different one hoping to have better luck. I did this 4 times before resigning myself to finishing the first one I’d tried and then putting the box away. So, what is my lesson here? I really truely don’t need donuts. They never turn out as heavenly as I imagine them to be and ultimately I am dissapointed. I spent two hours driving myself nuts over whether or not to spend $6 on an outfit my daughter could’ve worn all Summer and been totally adorable in which I ultimately rejected, but in an emotional food instant spent that same money on a box of crap that will just kill me if I eat it. I apologize for ranting. I guess at least I made the right decision not to eat the donuts anyway (despite the child in me saying “that’s wasteful!” “there are starving children in the world!” “You’re not a member of the clean-plater club!”). Of course now I’m dealing with the dilemma of “do I have Josh take them to work in the morning to share with others even though if I don’t need them, they probably don’t need them,” or “do I give them to the kids in the morning for breakfast even though if they’re not good for my body, why should I encourage my children to eat them,” or “can I somehow ship this package to some third world country where perhaps it may do SOMEONE some GOOD?” Welcome to just a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. I hope I’ve done ok here gramatically and punctuationwise.