OK, so I don’t really have any “news,” but I just thought Elena looked so cute this morning that I had to share. Our DirecTV has been out for over a week now and it will unfortunately still be at least another week before we possibly have it taken care of, so while Nick Jr etc are unavailable I’ve introduced Elena to Disney and Pixar movies. Her favorite so far is a Bug’s Life. These pictures were taken this morning while she was watching the pre-movie short with the anticipation of seeing the “Bee-Bugs!”
Archive for September, 2007
I just finished an entire half hour on the fat burner mode on my eliptical machine and no one seems to be answering their phones so I have to crow here! I know it doesn’t seem like much, but that is the longest and hardest I have EVER elipticalled!!! And for those of you who have tried one of these machines before, you know the first time you get on it you feel like you’re gonna die after like 30 seconds, well I haven’t elipticalled in sooo long! So this is huge for me today! I am 2 1/2 weeks into my new healthier lifestyle and although the scales aren’t reflecting anything yet, a few people have said they notice a difference. Personally, I don’t see much physical improvement yet, but I am amazed at my resolve and I do think I’m beginning to see a hint of cheekbone definition. I am getting sick of salads, so if any of you have salad or vegetable meal recommendations I’d love to hear ‘em. You can post your favorite healthy recipes here! I will tell you that there are some vegetables that I don’t eat: Zucchini (unless in bread), Asparagus, Lima Beans and Brussel Sprouts–although Josh likes them so I guess if you have a recipe involving those, Josh may like it. Also, the simpler the better cause I don’t do much cooking. Also, if any of you would like some of the recipes that I’ve been using, I can post them here too.
Yesterday was a big day for us. It was Jacob’s first soccer game this season and Josh’s last BBQ competition this season. Unfortunately with the two things falling on the same day we were unable to travel with Josh for the comp. and he was unable to be at Jacob’s first game. Josh’s sister Jenny came and helped me keep the other kids entertained while Jacob played. Overall it was a pretty good game. There were times when I felt like ripping my hair out because I could see the boys losing their advantage because of stupid mistakes that were things the coaches kept telling them not to do, but I’m not one of those scary-aggressive-competition-pushing parents like you see in the movies, so I just cheered from the sidelines and hollered occasional suggestions much like I was told to do when I was a soccer goalie in H.S. Officially they do not keep score in this youth league, but of course the boys all keep track. So unofficially Jacob’s team the Braves scored three goals and the other team only scored two. In fact, Jacob scored one of the goals for his team! Unfortunately I don’t have any pictures from yesterday’s game, but I’m sure I’ll be taking some at his other games so I will try to post one soon. He has new cleats that he’s excited about so I will try to get them in the picture. They are bright shiny royal blue with velcro and they match the “jerseys” the boys have to wear. If you go to our photo gallery I believe there is a picture of Jacob playing last year–the clothes are the same this year because it’s a city league. He’s using the same shirt.
Thanks for all the advice. I had a good night’s sleep last night and the headache hasn’t started yet today so…here’s hoping! My conversations with people about my recent dreams are telling me that I may need to resolve some issues. This scares the bejeepers out of me of course because dealing with issues is one of my issues. I lead a life of avoidance that has recently been specifically pointed out to me. It’s true enough. I would guess its a control issue for me. I don’t like to take things on that I can’t control or know the outcome of, I fear the unknown. Unfortunately, life doesn’t fit that criteria. It’s true that I think I have wonderful ideas and perspective in life, but I struggle with expressing them and so often I just let them float around in my head–unfinished thoughts creating a haze so thick that even I cannot navigate my way to the point. I fear rejection and don’t like conflict and will often supress my opinions so much that even I begin to think I don’t really have any. Which often suits me just fine because if I did have any to express then I would have to support them and I inevitably end back up searching uselessly through the fog in my head. Some of you may be reading this thinking “Yep, that’s a problem of hers, I totally recognize it.” And others may be thinking “Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound like her at all, she’s always very forward, honest, expressive and firm about what she thinks and wants.” You may not give any credit to astrology, but that’s a Gemini for you. I feel like I can’t say anything about myself because as soon as I think of a statement that I think is true of me, I almost immediately think of the opposite of that statement and think…yea, yeah, that’s true of me too, but since they’re opposites they cancel each other out and I can’t say either unless I say both which sounds ridiculous and wishy washy. For the most part, I really just try to avoid myself altogether. And this, apparently, is an issue. Possibly it is creating spiritual guilt. ugh I just re-read this and even I got confused. I guess I’ll just shut up now. Hm. (There I go again. Backtracking to avoid really putting myself out there, I think I fear feeling vulnerable.)
For about the last two weeks or so I have really started to make BIG life changes. I am taking my meds regularly, eating healthy, light, and more or less off the food pyramid or whatever they call it these days, exercising somewhat regularly, and working on decluttering my home and my life. Sounds good, right? But for almost the same amount of time I have been plagued with headaches and bad dreams. Mostly really depressing dreams of hopeless and or helpless type situations. Dreams where I may be slightly scared, but more sad, or scared and sad. And I haven’t been eating for HOURS before bedtime and I’ve been watching romantic comedies with Josh in the evenings so I don’t think it’s something I’m doing right before bed that’s causing them. And the headaches kind of come and go but they are strong and fairly debilitating. I hesitate to call them migraines, but it is possible that they are, I know migraines run in my family. (My blood pressure is slightly up, but still in a good healthy range, so…I don’t think that’s it.) Anyway, I am really trying to turn some things in my life around to have a much more positive living experience and to be more of a benefit in the lives of those around me, but this is really starting to make things difficult. I haven’t been terribly tempted to “cheat” on my “diet” or give up my new healthy lifestyle goals, but…these problems are really bringing me down. Does anyone have any practical advice?
What is it about showering that can at times make it seem like just the last thing in the world that you really want to do? I mean, it always feels good to get clean, right? And I have an internal self-check that says you can not go out in public today until you’ve showered. I still don’t want to, but I know that I cannot just stay home all day because of the appointments mentioned in my earlier post and my desire to go to the store to get a watch back on my wrist. So inevitably I succomb to the internalized social pressure to be clean. I guess that means I got to go take a shower. Ugh.
My watch died the other day. It probably just needs a new battery but I’m really bad about buying batteries. They just always slip my mind. I was even at the store yesterday morning and did not get a battery for it. But it’s bothering me to not have a watch on. I keep looking for it. I dislike looking for it and instead seeing the splotchy ring of white where it used to be. Also, I’ve apparently become completely dependent on it to know what the date is. Since for the most part I rely on photographic memory of the image of my appointment calendar and the date on my watch so that I can figure where I’m at on said calendar then without my watch I have no idea where I’m at on the calendar and therefore have no idea what it is I’m required to do with my day, or what kind of day tomorrow is supposed to be. Of course I could always go back and look at the calendar again to figure out where I should be, but for some reason that seems like a ridiculous effort to me. And to have to do that every day?! Ha! So you see, what I’m basically saying here is that I have been suffering internally for the last 4 days while there are a vast number of things that I could easily do to remedy my situation–yet have not. So. I am determined today that I will set forth and get either 1.) a new watch battery or 2.) a new watch. And hope that in the meantime that I will remember that I have an appointment this afternoon with the endodontist and Jacob has soccer practice.
A quick thank you to everyone who commented or sent me email (or spoke on the phone with my parents 
) in response to my last post about living with addiction. It is a diffcult part of my life and I know that ultimately the time just has to be right for me to be willing to change no matter what. I am working on it, and it helps to know (or at least hear, because its easy to let doubt creep into an already abused self-esteem) how many people care about me and ultimately want me to be well. And I can only hope that with the alarming rise of obesity in our country that awareness and compassion for sufferers like myself is also on the rise and that it may become easier to get help and feel loved. But, to keep this from getting too “heavy” (teehee, I just love when I can incorporate plays on words or phrases–it makes me feel witty! LOL) did anyone else catch the ancient Bartles & James catch phrase as my title?