Thanks for all the advice. I had a good night’s sleep last night and the headache hasn’t started yet today so…here’s hoping! My conversations with people about my recent dreams are telling me that I may need to resolve some issues. This scares the bejeepers out of me of course because dealing with issues is one of my issues. I lead a life of avoidance that has recently been specifically pointed out to me. It’s true enough. I would guess its a control issue for me. I don’t like to take things on that I can’t control or know the outcome of, I fear the unknown. Unfortunately, life doesn’t fit that criteria. It’s true that I think I have wonderful ideas and perspective in life, but I struggle with expressing them and so often I just let them float around in my head–unfinished thoughts creating a haze so thick that even I cannot navigate my way to the point. I fear rejection and don’t like conflict and will often supress my opinions so much that even I begin to think I don’t really have any. Which often suits me just fine because if I did have any to express then I would have to support them and I inevitably end back up searching uselessly through the fog in my head. Some of you may be reading this thinking “Yep, that’s a problem of hers, I totally recognize it.” And others may be thinking “Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound like her at all, she’s always very forward, honest, expressive and firm about what she thinks and wants.” You may not give any credit to astrology, but that’s a Gemini for you. I feel like I can’t say anything about myself because as soon as I think of a statement that I think is true of me, I almost immediately think of the opposite of that statement and think…yea, yeah, that’s true of me too, but since they’re opposites they cancel each other out and I can’t say either unless I say both which sounds ridiculous and wishy washy. For the most part, I really just try to avoid myself altogether. And this, apparently, is an issue. Possibly it is creating spiritual guilt. ugh I just re-read this and even I got confused. I guess I’ll just shut up now. Hm. (There I go again. Backtracking to avoid really putting myself out there, I think I fear feeling vulnerable.)
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Random Quote
Where is fancy bread? In the heart, or in the head?
by Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
If you’re gonna talk about fog in your head, you can expect practitioners of a bunch of disciplines lining up to claim you as one of their subjects–along with a procession of teachers and healers and evangelists and quacks of every imaginable flavor. I think you’ve already got a good start at entertaining ‘em.
Spiritual guilt? Satan? Woohoo.
Do you know the God-as-headache theme in *The Last Temptation of Christ*? I don’t remember what the Scorsese movie did with it, but the book (by Nikos Kazantzakis) has been one of my favorites since I first read it in my early 20s. I long enjoyed th eidea of God trying to get my attention via migraines. As I said, I’m preferring beta-blocker salvation these days.
Here’s to some great moments of clarity as you wander through your fog!
Dad
Wow… so I want to clarify that what I said to you was that I want you to embrace the world and share your thoughts and feelings because I know that you have so much to say and you have the ability to back it up. LOVE YOU!
I’m commenting on this post rather than the last because you’ve moved on to the next post. I see that your Dad knows all about migraines but I still wanted to put in my two cents about them. A couple of summers ago, they hit me really bad. I had had a few in the past but for a period of a month or more, I was getting 3 a week. It was horrible! There is no sure-fire reason that every person gets them but there are helps. Migraines are often characterized by their debilitating capacity and by their duration. Even if they are not definitely migraines, I hope that you can get help for them. I love Relpax and I also stopped taking the pill to help me with migraines–they say that hormones can influence them. Stress can also be a large factor. My migraines left as quickly as they came.
As for the dreams: I have had a problem with this too. I used to have horrible, frightening dreams. I’ve had creepy dreams too. I started having those as a teenager and I learned then, to pray to be rid of my bad dreams. They have reoccurred in other ways at other times in my life and I pray. I specifically pray to “not remember my dreams.” It works every time. Heavenly Father loves you. He will help you in every part of your life.
As far as “The Last Temptation of Christ” Scorsese/Kazantzakis thing goes, I am not very familiar. But I’ve never seen any of that as punishment for sins or even an attention getter. I think that the ways that we suffer as well as the ways that we thrive are just part of life. We are blessed all the time, believe me, but we are also here to live our lives and our challenges and triumphs are part of that. It could all be genetic mutations. It could be blood pressure. It could be food additives. I truly am optimistic and I am really happy too. Heavenly Father, just like any good father, wants to help–so you should ask Him. He will. Love you babe.