Ok, so I had this realization last night when I was trying to fall asleep so it is foggy at best and may be hard to communicate, but I’m gonna try. If it doesn’t make sense to you, just ignore me. But I got a lot of positive feedback after my project post, so I’m going to kinda continue with that. In a nutshell…I don’t FEEL like an adult. Wow, it’s harder to explain than I thought. Ok, well, you know as teenagers you have an abstract idea about what it means to be an “adult.” Mature, responsible, independant, taller, older, wiser, doing important and impressive things, maybe more hair or bigger boobs or whatever. But you never really know when the people around you start thinking of you as an adult and so you never really know when it happens. I vaguely remember thinking when I turned 20 that I was an adult. It makes sense, I was no longer a “teen” and I’d enjoyed several freedoms and responsibilities, and although it could probably be argued several different ways, I think my friends and I were very mature, and I’d been bigger than my mom for years! I had built up who I thought I was, I had walls and windows in place. But my idea of being an adult had never included a family of my own. It just wasn’t something I’d ever expected for myself. So when I got married and had kids I tried to be responsible and do what I thought was expected of a mother and wife and I tried to emulate the other wives and mothers I’d known. But it didn’t feel personalized. And because of circumstances in our lives it did not take long at all before I felt like my whole identity had been reduced to “Josh’s wife” or “Jacob’s mom.” And while I was struggling to do the best I could in those positions, I’d never really identified them with myself. So I felt like I’d dissappeared. And as time went on I would occassionally try to grab at things I had identified myself with when I was younger, like staying up all night with friends and throwing parties to get to know new people. And for a while that was fun, but those moments were somewhat rare and didn’t really connect with the rest of my life on a daily basis. So I wanted to do that all the time and whenever we didn’t have something “fun” planned I would be miserable. But, you know, since everyone I was trying to make plans with were now adults too, it just wasn’t possible to have plans all the time. OTHER people had lives and responsibilities and important impressive things to do beyond just entertaining me. I LOVE my family, but I didn’t even fit in with the other stay-at-home moms. And the lonlier I felt, the less joy I derived from my family. Not because they’re not awesome, but just because I felt limited and trapped. Wow this just isn’t coming out sounding good. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husband and children! Independence and friends had just always been such big parts of my life. And Josh was always very understanding and has always tried to make it possible for me to go out with friends etc. which I appreciate probably more than he’ll ever understand. But its still not always possible to just have sociable fun all the time, and although part of me longs for freedom and adventure, I could never do anything that would mean ditching my responsibilities to my family–and I just couldn’t be away from them for too long. I’d miss them too much! Anyway, I’ve recently been really unhappy with myself as a wife and mother, and since for the most part that’s still all I am, and all I have to do all day every day, I was REALLY getting down on myself. I have always disliked housework and felt like there are better more important things to do. But I had more or less reduced my own role to housekeeper which of course I wasn’t happy with and since I felt so unhappy and unfulfilled and useless for anything but laundry, I started acting that way too. And this is where the idea comes in that I do not FEEL like an adult. I started interacting with my kids like a kid. Josh and I have discussed something we call “the Backyardigan Theory” and I won’t go into it all here now (mostly it is about marital relations after children) but along with that theory, I now also think some attention should be directed to parental relations. Now, first of all, I need you to understand this is not an attack on the family. The job of a mother is important and demanding and rewarding. But I don’t think the problem is just me, that I’m a crappy mom. I know even women who happily devote their entire being to the task of mothering suffer days or at least moments of inappropriate parental behavior and usually, you can tell when its happening but you feel like you just can’t control it and then you feel horribly guilty immediately afterward. To a certain extent I suppose that is just human. But I’ve been feeling like that more than I’d like recently. Like when the kids start to whine at me after a long day and so I mockingly whine obnoxiously loudly back at them. Or when I answer their questions with “I don’t care” just to get them to leave me alone. I get easily annoyed or frustrated with the kids and I think I realize now that I’m just not being an “adult.” I want to be a good parent, but there is a reason children can’t have children. Obviously I am physically grown, and I’ve experienced moments in my life that I’ve identified myself as “adult,” but although I remain incredibly responsible, I seem to have lost a certain level of maturity. So, now that I recognize this about myself, my question is this: How do you relearn as an adult how to be an “adult?”
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Well…don’t give up trying to figure it out!
I don’t know why I should feel like an adult if you don’t have to. That’s my first reaction.
Becca, I always enjoy watching you think!
Dad
This is Mike writing on Lisa’s computer. I just wanted to say that I have totally felt like you feel. Like an immature person somehow in charge of immature children. I too have been sarcastic to my own children. I think that defining “adulthood” could be as simple as saying, “When we don’t give in to our natural tendencies and choose the mature option we are being adults.” It’s hard to do and nobody is mature all of the time (except for Christ).
I was also thinking that it is immature to never find time for yourself. Real “adults” learn to balance between responsibilites and time devoted to improving one’s self. Sometimes R&R is self improvement. Am I making sense?
I think that feeling like an adult is not something that happens because we are doing adult things. I think it’s a feeling of being in control of your life and being satisfied with what you do everyday. I don’t know if everyone gets to the point where they feel “adult”. My mom said she still doesn’t. What helped me to feel more fulfilled in general was to do more quality activies with the kids and Dave. When I spend more REAL time with the kids, the job gets easier. I guess just keep thinking deep and eventually everything will fall into place.
Becca,
I believe that many people have been where you are right now. But I am not so sure that your feelings are purely from not “being” adult enough. Lisa said being an adult is “being in control of your life and being satisfied with what you do everyday.” Perhaps you don’t feel that you are really in control of your life.
No one person or family can satisfy all of your needs. I would suggest that you sit down and make a long list of all of your needs. Then put a plus behind each one that is currently being met and minuses behind the ones which are not being met. Separate out those minuses and prioritize them with the most important need first. Now, what can you actually do to meet those needs? Not what can someone else do to meet your needs. What can YOU do?
You are a very bright young woman. You are are also very sociable. Is your brain being challenged? You love your children, but let’s face it, what you do every day could be done by almost anyone. You love your children. I love my children, but a daycare was the best place for them to be when they were small. They received more stimulation there than I would have given them at home.
If full-time day care isn’t possible, how about a few hours a day or a few hours a week, and then plan something “adult like” for those hours. Take a class, get a part time job, exercise, write a book, volunteer at a school, hospital, group home, etc. etc. etc.
Becca, you have a lot to offer to the world and you don’t have to wait until your children go to college to make it happen. Your current unhappiness is important to listen to. I don’t think just bucking up and trying to be a better mom will work.
There are people who will read my post and not like what I say, but you are more than your kids’ mom and Josh’s wife. You just have to figure out what your passion is and go after it. It won’t happen overnight and you may take a wrong turn in the road. Be careful, think about it and don’t just jump into something just to get out of the house.
I will always remember the little plays that you, Laura and Sarah put on for the family. Such creativity!! I believe most of that came from you. Where did it go? Could you write plays?
Did you know that Aunt Jane went to bed every night about 8:00 p.m.? I always thought she went to sleep. No, it was her alone time.
Don’t be ashamed of looking closely within yourself. It is what will keep you sane. I am so impressed with how open you are and willing to share.
I hope you come up with some things. I look forward to reading how things go.
Aunt Linda
First of all, I think you are amazing. The fact that you just wrote these feelings all out in the hopes that someone could tell you how to be an adult just shows how adult you really are. I think one of the best things you can do is to cut yourself some slack and quit thinking that you are JUST a mother and a wife. YOU are BECCA THRAP, who happens to be a mother and a wife. You are also…
1. My best friend
2. My scrapalicious partner in crime and debauchery
3. An amazing listener
4. A bargain shopper like no other
5. A super planner
6. A DO-ER
7. Worldly
8. Hilarious!
9. Insightful
10. Brilliant
That’s just 10 things that you are besides being a mother and a wife. I think that there are many people who look at you in amazement and I wish that you could look at you and see what I see.
I love you muchly!!!
My wife is wonderful in many ways that are not measuarble by any stereotypes. She is unique and at times seems to be trying to fit a mold that she thinks she is supposed too. It could be me it could be the moms she interacts with it could be life in general, but the fact is my wife is good at many things that are far more important than having a clean house, or having 0 laundry waiting to be washed. She knows that in reality and eternally we are all individuals who are individually unique and special and that the person is truly the most important thing and spending time with friends, family and Spouse are her priorities. The world has lost this priority in the high productive lives we all live and it is sometimes looked down upon those who take the time to smell the roses, but in reality we are all here to smell the roses and make choices and learn from the consequences of those choices, and there is many a person who grows old and wishes they had spent more quality time with friends and family and not wished they had spent so much time cleaning/working.
I enjoy growing up with my wife and hope that my own quest to become an adult does not hinder her own.